It seems that I have a black tie dinner or formal sit-down dinner every week from now until the end of the year. I’ve talked before about some of the issues around black tie dinners for people who are hard of hearing and/or lip read. However, today I wanted to write about “Dinner Table Syndrome” as this is important for both black tie dinner season, but also Christmas/Festive Parties. “Dinner Table Syndrome” is the term that is used to describe the isolation of being surrounding by hearing people and the feeling of being left out of conversations at the dinner table.
A dinner table (even when you a familiar with your dinner companions (worse if you are not) is one of the most difficult situations for communicating. Full mouths, mouth covering, people talking at the same time, multiple conversations, quick changes of topic, background noise, poor lighting, poor visibility due to table decor etc, all lead to a challenging environment. Often at best you can have a few sensible one-on-one conversations with your immediate neighbours at the table (assuming you are not already suffering from fatigue). At worst you can sit through a whole evening and not have a clue what happened.
This can lead to feeling stressed, lonely, frustrated, angry, unimportant and worried that people will think you are rule/anti-social for not participating, or alternatively think that they have told you something because you were sat at the table. This is how most of deaf or hard of hearing people feel during family/friends’ dinner parties, at work events, at Christmas etc.
Here are some things that you can do to help:
- Use a round table where possible rather than one big long table, this will make it easier to see everyone, to see who is speaking and be able to read their lips (just don’t put large items in the middle of the table which block the view).
- Find a place with good lighting (they need to be able to see you to be able to lipread).
- Where possible avoid loud background noises (this can be a crowded place and/or a place with loud music/speakers).
- Don’t speak with your mouth full or turn your head away. Try not to cover your mouth with your hand when you speak. If they can’t see your whole face, they can’t read your lips.
- Get the persons attention before starting a story or conversation to make sure that they can hear it and know you want to include them.
- If they miss something, don’t leave them out of conversations or say things like “oh, it was nothing” or “I’ll tell you later”. That robs them of the chance to participate in the conversation in that moment and can be frustrating and isolating.
Even if you do all these things, it won’t be perfect. They will still struggle with holding multiple conversations and understanding what is going on around the table, so be patient and understanding. However, if you do these things you will make their life easier and the dinner a more engaging, fun experience.
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